Congratulations. This is a wonderful opportunity for you. Let me explain why I would say that. Firstly you are already well beyond where most people are able to go. You have recognized your jealousy has put an obstacle between you and your friend. Most of us do not recognize jealously and fewer of us take responsibility for it. Pride usually gets in the way. Far from feeling happy for the other persons apparent good fortune we find ourselves picking fault with them to justify feeling angry and we want to pull them down.

        Your question shows humility and a capacity to take responsibility for your jealousy. Your concern is to reestablish friendship and want advice on "how to take care of this feeling." So that is why I say congratulations.

        And why is a wonderful opportunity for you? Because there is a way to transform this situation that will lead to much benefit for you and others. Not just a renewed friendship but also an inner freedom. You will no longer have to be frightened by difficult emotions be it anger, jealousy, craving or fear because you will have practiced to relate to difficult feelings in a healthy mature way that increases your net happiness.

        So here’s what you do. If you have a practice of sitting meditation already that’s great. Breathing in and out mindfully brings your friend to your mind and recognize when the difficult feeling arises. Name the feeling to yourself. Accept it without judging yourself or wanting it to go away. It is our feeling, it does not belong to the other person and it is not their responsibility. It is helpful to detach the feeling of jealousy (or any other negative emotion you might have) from the story you have with the other person in order to take care simply of the feeling. Keep breathing. Stay with it. Smile with compassion to yourself as you continue to breathe mindfully. Imagine embracing the feeling as a mother would do for her crying baby. Apart from sitting meditation you can practice with the emotion on the spot – as and when it arises during the day. You may walk past your friend in the corridor and the feeling comes up. Immediately (or as soon as you can without drawing public attention to yourself) physically stop, close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly in and out 3 times aware of your whole body and at the same time the whole length of the in breath and out breath. Your emotion instead of being something “disgusting” becomes a “bell of mindfulness” for you to stop what you are doing and take care of the feeling by breathing in full mindfulness.

        Know that as you breathe like that this feeling is universal human suffering and it deserves your compassion. Specifically for you the feeling has its roots in your past. That is another reason why this is a great opportunity. You have a chance to heal suffering that belongs to the past that may have been long forgotten yet is causing you to suffer in the present in many ways you may not even be aware of. Knowing this please allow compassion to arise for yourself – for the child in you who suffers. As an adult you smile with compassion to the wounded child as you breathe in and out 3 times. Alternatively, as I described above, you can see yourself as a mother holding her crying baby. If you are doing meditation you can embrace the feeling in this way for longer. But even 3 breaths in the corridor - done wholeheartedly – will bring a change, a relief that will be quite noticeable to you. The difficult feeling will no doubt arise again in different circumstances. Instead of self judgment and criticism practice gratitude and compassion. Say to yourself “Thank you, or ‘How wonderful’ – I now have a chance to transform some suffering in me.” And then breathe mindfully as described. You will no longer need to be afraid of or repulsed by the feeling. You should know that this is the work of meditation and of a spiritual warrior. It will be for the benefit of yourself and all living beings. Your success in this practice will be a success for everyone. And on top of all that you will have a renewed friendship. Thank you for your question and aspiration to transform.

        You may want to read more on this practice. For instance, in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching by our Teacher, (Thich Nhat Hanh) page 26, Thay talks about 5 stages in taking care of our feelings by meditation : Recognition, Accepting, Embracing, Looking Deeply, and Insight.

        A lotus for you a Buddha to Be ๐

Brother Phap Lai (42) ordained as a monk in Plum Village in 2002. He currently practices at the Plum Village centre in upstate New York, Blue Cliff Monastery. He enjoyed immensely the opportunity to share Dharma with young people in Thailand on Thay's tour in 2007.